Over the close to four years we’ve been publishing, DI has so far resisted running annual prediction lists.
As a reader, they always strike me as being largely holiday-period filler guff. As a writer, they kind of obligate you to revisit and score yourself a year later. Hugely embarrassing pain in the bum.
But this year we’ve had a change of heart.
It’s really, really quiet out there today.
So here’s our list of events we think will definitely, definitely, definitely happen in 2014.
- Bob Parsons will give ten bucks to a homeless guy outside a Scottsdale Starbucks, according to a Go Daddy press release.
- NomCom, hands tied by its gender quotas policy, will be forced to appoint a minor Kardashian to the ICANN board of directors.
- Pat Kane will quit Verisign in order to head up kp.com, the newly launched sub-domain service for North Koreans who couldn’t get the .kp name they really wanted.
- A pseudonymous domainer will send TLDH’s share price into a death spiral by predicting that “all new gltds will fail lol” in a comment on an industry blog.
- Tucows CEO Elliot Noss will accidentally blind four people during a particularly enthusiastic bout of gesticulation.
- An ICANN director will answer Paul Foody’s question during the Public Forum in Singapore. Foody will leave the room moments later, never to be seen again.
- Somebody will write a blog post about 27-year-old .xyz applicant Daniel Negari without mentioning his age.
- ICANN will blame a “glitch” after accidentally delegating .islam to a New York synagogue.
- Mike Berkens will use apostrophes correctly for a week straight.
- After the GNSO dies for the fifth time, the entire Council will regenerate as Peter Capaldi, forcing an immediate structural review.
- 1&1 will start selling pre-registrations in new gTLDs that it expects will probably be applied for at some point between 2018 and 2024.
- Fox will green-light the production of “Jeff Neuman vs Predator”.
- DotConnectAfrica will finally withdraw its application for .africa, but only after failed attempts to withdraw applications for .africas, .africka, and .dotdotafrica.
- Christine Jones will suffer a humiliating wardrobe malfunction during a campaign rally.
- A smartphone-friendly version of DI will be launched.
- During an unannounced visit to ICANN’s LA office, Fadi Chehade will stumble across John Jeffrey fucking an apple pie in the staff kitchen.
- Jennifer Wolfe will speak during a GNSO Council meeting.
- The Intellectual Property Constituency will complain that ICANN’s latest rights protection mechanisms “go too far to protect trademark owners” and demand an immediate rollback.
- Rick Schwartz will invest $200 million in Donuts.
- The sentence “Esther Dyson declined to comment.” will appear in a mainstream media article about new gTLDs.
Happy new year everyone!