Those April 1 Headlines in Full

Too many ideas, not enough time.
These are some of the stories I would have written if there were more hours in the day…

Joan Rivers dies after head transplant surgery
UK banishes cybercrime sites to .au
Transparency review calls for ICANN reality show
UDRP panelist returns Taiwan to China
Bob Parsons shoots BigJumbo CEO
“Pigeon shit” blamed for Playboy plague
Hank Alvarez named ICANN compliance chief
Constantine Roussos says DNS needs “more cowbell”
NATO apologizes for Bit.ly bombing
Blacknight unveils leprechaun mascot
RIAA says .so domains “haven for piracy”
DomainTools merges with DomainJerks
BBC to apply for .cotton
ICANN successfully delays heat death of universe
Parsons apologizes, resurrects elephant

It’s Friday, time for Rick Schwartz Apprentice

In case you haven’t guessed already, my “It’s Friday…” headlines mark an irregular series of tragically cliquey attempts to be humorous.
This week, 12 fictional TV shows related to the domain name business that could be super-duper awesome, if only somebody would make them.
Apologies in advance to those concerned.

Sponsored TLD Survivor
Stranded on a desert island, .mobi, .jobs, .asia and .tel must fight to stay alive against all the odds. Each week, viewers vote for which contestant they think should be acquired by Afilias.
South Park
Controversial animated series following the antics of a domain parking company that rejects Adsense links in favor of slandering celebrities and deliberately inciting religious violence.

Lawley & Order
Porn-themed police procedural.
DNSSEC and the City
Paul Vixie, Phillip Hallam-Baker and Ram Mohan star as a trio of independent, no-nonsense women trying to find love, fulfillment and stable DNS resolution in New York City.

Bertrand De La Chappelle’s Show
Racially charged stand-up comedy from everybody’s favorite French GAC rep.
America’s Next Top-Level Domain
In which the 300-page DAG is thrown out in favor of a single sassiness-based criterion.

Rick Schwartz Apprentice
Surreal adaptation of the original, in which the self-styled Domain King imparts utterly unintelligible advice to teams of confused domainers, firing one per week with the catchphrase “You’re pigeon shit!”.
UDRP Panelist Judy
Judge Judy takes a break from her important judicial work in order to oversee UDRP complaints in which the winner is decided purely on the basis of which party can shout the loudest and has the most outrageous mullet.
Domaining With The Stars
Teams of top domainers and D-list celebrities compete to see who can make the biggest profit on a domain sale. This week, Elliot Silver patiently explains the finer points of drop-catching ccTLDs to a sobbing Danny Bonaduce.
Rod the Bounty Hunter
Beckstrom and his team pin down a bail-jumping crack dealer at a seedy El Paso motel.
The .XXX Factor
Same as the original, but goes on for six years.

The Daily Show with Jim Fleming
The perennial commentator and theorist takes a sideways look at today’s domain name news, whether you want him to or not.

Next week: domain-themed movies.
In the meantime, I want to see your TV show ideas in the comments please. If golf can have its own channel, I’m sure we can fill a schedule too.

It’s Friday, time for the world’s first domain name industry cryptic crossword

I love cryptic crosswords.
Not the boring, brain-dead variety you get in the American press, I’m talking about the proper UK-style wordplay-based brain-teasers.
So I’ve written one. A small one. Focused on the domain name industry.
All the answers are the names of people, companies, things, concepts related to the business and politics of domain names. Any domain nerd should easily be able to recognize the answers (though not necessary work out the clues).
Click the image (made with puzzle-maker.com) to see it full size.

ACROSS
1. To kick a household pet down the field. They do it in Spain. (7)
8. Messed up dose is secondary concern. (4)
9. Registrar to scratch a computer screen. (10)
11. Lucky if it lands on you? Rick Schwartz ain’t buying it. (6, 4)
13. Captain Car Kid crazily drives really, really fast. (6, 7)
14. A bastard of a registrar gripe site. (7)
15. The Most Important Person On The Internet. (4, 4)
DOWN
2. Scout about the west for a Canuck registrar. (6)
3. Te Kanawa’s first on a Greek island, and first in most ICANN comment periods. (7)
4. Odd tests rot, oddly, a breast-based marketing copycat. (7, 4)
5. May be done by the leader of a race or a registrar with insider information. (5, 7)
6. RFC editor to mail the Spanish. (6)
7. A short haircut. Then, in postscript, burning down a building for kicks. Having a mid-life crisis. (3, 7)
10. Making endlessly confused, up-in-the-air error. A cause for concern two years ago. (8, 3)
12. Registry sounds like the rear end of a young horse. (7)

Did I mention there’s a prize? Yes. The first person to email me with all the right answers. I’ll give them a lovely prize. I’ll think of something. Probably a free ad spot or something.
Feel free to speculate about the answers in the comments.
I’ll post the answers in the comments after we have a winner, or after a week, whichever is sooner.

It’s Friday, time for some Paul Kane Facts

After all the coverage of DNSSEC in the mainstream media this week, we all now know that Paul Kane is the most important person on the internet, but there’s so much more to know about the man.
Here are some Paul Kane Facts

Paul Kane is actually short for Paull Kane. He was first called “Paul” when he was eight, and the nickname stuck.
Paul Kane didn’t choose to live in Bath, Bath chose him.
Paul Kane’s company, CommunityDNS, is headquartered in a yurt. Quite a large one.
Paul Kane comes from a long line of Kanes. His father was a Kane, his grandfather was a Kane, and so on, for at least a hundred years.
Paul Kane often refers to his globe-trotting lifestyle as “walking the good Earth”.
Paul Kane has been happily married to the actress Lalla Ward since 1992, and yet the two have never met!
Paul Kane lives in a house once owned by a young Sherlock Holmes.
Paul Kane has two dogs, named Mandela and Gandhi.
Paul Kane once shaved off his beard for a disreputable charity, and it refused to grow back!
Paul Kane’s favorite color is “performance”.

Obviously, that’s just a small sample of all the Paul Kane Facts currently at my disposal.
Now it’s over to you. Have you met the great man? Why not leave your own Paul Kane Fact in the comments below?